Kiki & Bug

Anyone who knows what it’s like to live with anxiety understands that uncertainty is pretty much public enemy number one. There is nothing worse for one’s anxiety than feeling like the normal day-to-day routine we once knew is now an unknown. Something I’ve found during this time in lock-down is that I need two things: to create a new routine and to go on at least one daily walk (sometimes two on days where I’m feeling particularly anxious). It can be difficult to create a new routine when you’re now being forced to do everything from within your home, or in my case, my one bedroom, 699 square foot apartment. It can feel suffocating. I’ve always thought of myself to be more of an introvert at heart. I can definitely be extroverted but being at home and having weekend nights in has never bothered me, I didn’t feel the need to be in social settings all the time. But lately I’ve been feeling more and more isolated and as things don’t appear to be getting better, especially here in Texas, that feeling has begun to escalate. I’ve had my own issues with depression in the past compounded by anxiety but I can’t seem to shake this feeling these past couple of weeks and as I begin to feel more alone my natural instinct is to self-isolate. I’ve been known to do a decent job of hiding how I’m truly feeling and forcing myself into social situations to avoid people questioning my mental health but as of late, I’m tired of pretending. Tired of acting like everything is okay when clearly it’s not. So I’m going to say it out loud to all of you instead, in hopes that if someone else out there is feeling this way too they feel a little less alone.

Creating A New Routine.

When looking at creating a new routine or “new normal” during these unprecedented times that idea in itself can be overwhelming. I equivocate it to buying a piece of furniture from Ikea looking at all the parts separated out across your living room floor and just staring at it thinking there’s no way in hell I’m ever going to get this thing built and wanting to cry before you even begin. But I believe it’s important to keep your end goal in mind, which is to create some consistency in your daily life so you can stop staring at those pieces scattered on the floor and move forward. The first part for me started with determining what my goals were and writing down a list of things I wanted to accomplish. Having a sort of “To Do” list helps me a lot with structuring what I want to achieve and helps me stay accountable to my goals. I decided I wanted to get up at a consistent time, while still giving myself some grace, but between 8-8:30 AM. I also wanted to read more books, exercise, find ways to stay connected to my grandpa, and focus on self-care a little more. I created a mock routine for while I was remote-teaching this spring. It helped me be more productive as well as feel more secure now that I had a plan in place, even if it varied a bit from day to day depending on meetings or any other variables.

My New Quarantine Routine (While Remote Teaching)

• 8:00 AM- Wake Up
• 8:30- 9:30 AM- Morning Meeting with Staff
• 9:30-11:30 AM- Work on ELA Lessons, Record Read-Alouds for my class, Update our class itsLearning page
• 11:30-12:30 PM- Lunch/Down Time (Read a Book)
• 12:30-1:30 PM- Math/ Science Lessons, Video any lessons I have planned and post them on the itsLearning page
• 1:30-3:00 PM- Plan for the following instructional day
• 3:00-4:30 PM- Daily 4 mile walk
• 4:30-6:00 PM- Free Time (Listen to music, read a book, watch a mindless show on Bravo, Check in with family and friends)
• 6:00/7:00 PM- Dinner Time

Once the school year ended, things became a bit tougher for me. Not having the structure of work created more difficulty in navigating what life would look like during this time. I had more free time than I have ever been used to and for someone like me, it was a struggle rather than a relief. I felt anxious and nervous about what my days would look like and that feeling can sometimes completely overpower me and then I end up having days like today, where I have this long list of things I want to get done and can’t seem to get myself up to do any of them. Instead, I sit all day, frustrated with myself for not getting done the things I had planned and increasing my anxiety in the process. It’s a vicious cycle that can quickly escalate if you don’t acknowledge your feelings. Oftentimes on days like this I ignore my phone or make little contact with the outside world. I don’t want the stress or pressure of others knowing that I’m feeling down or having an off day. I don’t want to be alone, but at the same time that’s the only comforting thing on days like this. I guess to some, this makes no sense. But I’m hoping that writing this out will help me and maybe help someone else that can relate to this as well. So if you’re reading this and this does resonate or make sense to you, I’m glad. I wanted you to hear me today and to say it’s okay to not be okay.

As I began figuring out what my routine would look like post-teaching I realized I needed something to keep me preoccupied because the idea of just sitting at home and filling my days felt too daunting. So I decided to take a job nannying a four year old boy. It allowed me to continue doing what I love, working with early childhood aged children, while also giving me the opportunity to maintain some structure in my life. So I challenge you if you’re a teacher like me and you’re off for the summer, or even if you’re still on that work from home (WFH) grind, create a schedule for yourself that is flexible but gives you some parameters to work within. I think it’ll help with the uncertainty we all feel in other aspects of our lives and allow us to feel some semblance of control.

“Do what you can, with what you’ve got, where you are.” -Theodore Roosevelt

Get Outside.

Going on walks and getting outside has been a huge help for my anxiety during these times. I highly recommend taking one walk a day outside for at least 30 minutes or more. For me, it helps clear my mind and just escape everything I’m feeling anxious about. Getting up and moving can sometimes be difficult when your anxiety is very high so getting out and walking can really help release that overwhelming feeling. I used to be a cross-country runner in high school and having that release was always important to me. As I got older it became harder to find time to get outside and exercise because of work or just feeling exhausted every day when I got home. I realized during this Covid-19 world how much I missed that part of my day and how necessary it is to keeping my mental health in a good place. So do it! It also gives you a sense of accomplishment because you made a decision and followed through with it and sometimes on days where your anxiety is at its highest you can celebrate those small victories.

So I’m telling you, and myself right now because I need to hear this to, give yourself some grace. That being said, I’m going out for a walk now. I’m going to push the “Publish” button my laptop and just go for it. Thank you for listening and I hope you feel like you can share with me as well any daily struggles you may be having. I’m here to listen, too.

Till next time, y’all!

xoxo- Kristen Jean