Kiki & Bug

Real Talk with Kiki.

If you’re new here, you may not know much about me or the people in my life. One thing you may not know about me is that I have been struggling with anxiety since I was about 15 years old. Another fact about me is that I have been in a relationship for the last four and a half years with my amazing boyfriend, Arzhang (aka Arzhi). I wanted to take this opportunity to open up about some of the ways my anxiety has effected our relationship in hopes of encouraging others who may be dealing with anxiety to have difficult conversations with their partners about how they’re feeling.

Our relationship has definitely had its ups and downs and I wanted to share some of the things I’ve discovered about myself and the way Arzhang and I communicate with one another these past four years together. I truly believe the trials that have tested our relationship, one of which has been my anxiety, have only made us stronger. That being said, I in no way think of myself as an expert on relationships or anxiety but I wanted to talk candidly about some of the lessons I’ve learned and share them with y’all in hopes that they may be helpful for others that are struggling to find their way back to their partner and deepen their connection.

If you’ve never experienced anxiety or even heard of it, the technical definition for anxiety is: an emotion characterized by feelings of tension, worried thoughts and physical changes like increased blood pressure. People with anxiety disorders usually have recurring intrusive thoughts or concerns. They may avoid certain situations out of worry.

This definition merely addresses a small piece of a much larger picture of what it looks like to live with anxiety and everyone’s experiences are unique. My anxiety can sometimes be contingent on the day, amount of people around me, or even how much sleep I’ve gotten the night before. I can imagine that being in a relationship with someone with anxiety can be quite challenging and frustrating at times. It took me a long time to be comfortable with asking Arzhi what he saw when I would experience an anxiety attack or how he felt in those moments. I was worried how he might view me and if it would alter this somewhat “perfect” image he had of me. I was so accustomed to only thinking of my experiences at those times when I was going through it, that I didn’t think of how it might effect those around me watching me go through it. I was curious to know how he was feeling emotionally, too and if he felt pressure to try and intervene in those moments or maybe felt lost. I wanted to know this not only so I could have a better understanding of his perspective being on the outside looking in, but also so I could try to explain to him what was going through my mind and layout my thought process step by step with him.

One example was when we were in Portugal waiting to get onto our flight to Barcelona. I remember hearing my name being called over the intercom to come to the front while sitting at the gate. Immediately, my stomach dropped because I knew something had to be wrong. When we got to the front, the flight-attendant told us that she was sorry but the flight had been overbooked and we would be put on standby so she wasn’t sure if we would be making it onto our flight. To some, this would have been no big deal. Okay, so we don’t get on this flight we’ll get on the one two hours later and just arrive in Barcelona later in the evening. To me, this was devastating. I could feel my whole body start to tighten and my hands start to tremble. I remember telling myself over and over again, “It’s not a big deal, don’t cry.” Arzhi is the most relaxed human on earth and would never let something so small get to him, but with me, any slight change of plans can cause me to immediately go into an anxiety spiral.

I had to run to the bathroom so I could get a quick cry out before returning to my seat so he wouldn’t know I’d been so upset about the whole thing. I felt silly getting so emotional over something I had no control over and that I knew Arzhi didn’t view as a big deal but I couldn’t help it. This is what anxiety feels like. When you don’t have any control it can be a major trigger. I’m sure Arzhang felt so isolated from me because I didn’t want to be touched and every time he attempted to console me I would just push him away. It can be difficult to talk about with others because there’s this embarrassment or fear attached of how people will see you if you admit you’re freaking out over such a seemingly minor ordeal. But I’ve realized now more than ever, that sometimes simply voicing your feelings out loud to you partner, like, “I’m feeling extremely anxious.” can go a long way in helping them feel closer to you in moments they would ordinarily feel miles apart.

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1 LISTEN.

Seems so simple, right? Just listen. But truthfully, this is much harder than it looks. Now. the advice to listen goes both ways so don’t just think listening is a one way street. As important as it is to listen to your partner’s feelings it is equally important that you do the same for them. In my opinion, there is no better display of love than when you listen to what your partner has to say, internalize it, and respond through actions that let them know they were heard. I truly believe people, particularly when dealing with anxiety, want to feel validated in their emotions, even if they may seem silly or frivolous to others. At least I do. Arzhi is one of the BEST listeners I know. I partly accredit that to him being the older brother of two sisters. In a room full of people he has this way of making you feel like you’re the only person there. It’s remarkable and honestly a quality that I admire and envy.

Listen to your partner and validate them and they will do the same for you. You’ll find you have less trepidation being upfront about things if you feel heard.

2 BE HONEST & SET CLEAR EXPECTATIONS.

This one is a toughy. Up until about a couple of years ago I was the worst at being honest with my emotions. In my experience, when dealing with anxiety you often undervalue or downplay your emotions and therefore when someone asks you how you are feeling, you give them the downplayed version you’ve been playing in your head all day long rather than the honest truth. Which ultimately doesn’t solve anything because your partner isn’t getting the full story. Once I started validating my feelings and realizing that any feeling I experience is okay then it became easier for me to be honest with Arzhi. However, as my partner it is equally critical that he be honest with me as well. If my anxiety causes him stress or he feels lost and doesn’t understand my reactions or emotions at times he needs to speak up. Be honest with each other, don’t let it fester. We’ve all been guilty of that and it never ends well. It only leads to a bigger outbreak when those emotions do finally surface.

Another thing people may not know about anxiety is that in my experience, the unknowns tend to be the hardest part. I want control and to be able to see what’s coming but life rarely works that way. However, I find if I clearly voice what I need and expect from someone it make me feel less uneasy about what the future holds. Arzhi and I have talked a lot this past year about the expectations we have for ourselves, each other, and our relationship. It’s important to let your partner know what you expect from them so that there’s no discrepancy for why you may get upset if they aren’t meeting them. I also think there is great value in sitting down with your partner and making a list of what your expectations are for your relationship so you can feel like you are on the same page and have the same goals for the future. Ask important questions like, Do you want to get married in the future? Do you see yourself having children? Where do you want to be in the next five years? These answers will help you set those expectations together.

I definitely feel like in the past I never wanted to set expectations because there was this fear of what if we didn’t have the same picture of what our future looked like? Or what if me putting expectations on him scares him and he doesn’t want to be with me anymore? This of course all stemmed from my anxiety. My advice to anyone out there dating someone with anxiety, just sit down with them and talk about the future. The more conversations you have with them about it, the less worry they’ll feel.

3 Enter Into Conflict Seeking a Resolution.

This is a big one for me. I’m definitely a lover, not a fighter. Although I believe conflict to be healthy and often, necessary, I don’t believe in arguing just to argue. If I’m going to fight, I want to go into it with the mindset of finding a resolution. Fighting is already nerve-wracking for someone dealing with anxiety. For me, it adds another layer of discomfort and I worry about what if he doesn’t see my point of view or thinks I’m overreacting and this whole thing is stupid. I feel it’s important to talk to your partner about the way you deal with conflict and essentially learn how to fight productively with one another so there isn’t any underlying fear of how it should go.

In the past when we first started dating, arguments inevitably happened and I made notes of things I knew were going to be “deal-breakers” for me while in an argument. There are certain things, for me, I feel are unnecessary and unproductive during conflict. For example, one of my pressure points is when someone threatens to leave the conversation or the relationship during a fight. I never want to be in a relationship in which every time there’s a disagreement there’s this added pressure of feeling you may walk out on me if you don’t like what I have to say. Other people may have other points of contention that they feel are not acceptable during conflict. In my opinion, it is imperative to be honest with your partner about what those are so you can argue in a way that’s not only respectful but allows you to work towards finding a solution.

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“You are imperfect, you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.” -Brené Brown

I hope any of you out there who may be struggling with anxiety and have felt unheard or misunderstood at times finds this to be relatable and perhaps useful as a way of addressing your anxiety with your partner.

For those of you who are maybe in a relationship with someone with anxiety please remember to be patient with them and show them some grace. Know that your feelings are important to you partner too, even if it may be difficult for them to show it at times. I promise we’re truly grateful for you.

Till next time, y’all!

xoxo- Kristen Jean